Letter to Rajesh, My Brother!!
What possibly could have prepared me and all of us for what to come last April this same day? I couldn’t believe that you took your last breath, and that was your last breath. I waited almost three hours after that for you to come back into the body. It was one hard year, still trying to live in the world where you don’t exist in physical form. Isn’t the life on earth just a play? Once the part is over, there is nothing left, the actors and participants go their own way to participate in another play. It hurts so bad that your new play would run just fine without me. Why should it hurt? I guess it is part of being human that we don’t readily accept seeing those who moved on be just fine without who they left behind.
I kept telling you those two days that we would talk but first you get well, feel better. I told you not to be afraid, you would be fine. You weren’t afraid to move to higher side of life. You went straight into it, assisting many in pain, confused discarnate souls. You had mother’s hands in your hands and your eyes gazing into hers. It must have been so painful to your sensitive heart to see all your loved ones, worried, around you. You could not bear a thought of mother could transition just a few months ago. You brought her back. And then left her behind heartbroken. Father couldn’t take the shock and he went your way. I couldn’t be a good daughter to him. I wish I could hold his hands and tell him that it was going to be okay, that we would be able to live not having you with us.
I used to think that I had finished my karma with my parents and you still had to finish it. You would agree with that. Perhaps It was the case with father and not with mother. I had an invisible wall between me and mother. There was some block to remove and love light to penetrate. My teachers, mentors and closest ones, you and father gone, the wall, the block is clearing between mother and myself. I was dreaming the ship is leaving the port, the train being missed, not having you two onboard. I believe that they were messages from my higher self and father’s for me to see through the veil that the end time of my father was nearing and I was to rush. I did not get it. Perhaps I was not heart activated enough.
Truly speaking, I did not know how I would make it. I did not know how I would stand in front of the family sans you and pretend I can be their support when I was so broken. Did you play a role to connect me to those who could help me see through my pain, grief and self-pity? It took almost 6 months to see beyond self-pity and to feel in a position to face the family. I wish I could hurry. Baba didn’t wait for me to get home. I could see them all only after he made his way out. Was I a bad person? I was angry with father that in his grief he would not see us, see me once you were gone, as if we were nothing for him. I am terribly sorry that I felt that way. Because I knew that he carried deep sadness, grief in his heart and your passing was the last straw.
I am grateful for you to still be watching over mother, sisters and young ones, visiting sisters and mother in their dream and waking states. I am sure that you would be wishing to do more for them. After all you couldn’t see tears in our eyes. It must be saddening to you see us deep into our sorrow.
I am grateful that we shared parents and siblings, that I got to spend my childhood with you. All my childhood memories are with you. All my happy times are with you. Even my dreams that I remember since childhood are with you. We used to laugh at silliest jokes when nobody would laugh. We would fall ill at the same time. The last time we fell sick when we both had typhoid. You would know what would hurt me. You knew me like no one did. Hence, I am so lost without you. I am grateful that we shared this close sibling bond. I am grateful that you came for m. I am sorry that you went through so much pain due to me, to take care of me. You were witness to my misery and my transformation. You were my guide, to introduce me to metaphysics. I feel that when you thought that I was now capable for standing on my own, you chose to leave. I feel that I have things to do and I think that I shall finish them. I still have to talk to you about all that happened those two days. I shall do when I come back finishing tasks here.
This pains me that you gave no clue of what to come. You said you were okay five minutes before calling it all. How could you? I felt cheated, cheated by you, cheated by my higher self, cheated by father. What would have we done anyway? Perhaps it was all planed by your higher self. This one loss took me on self-healing journey. Not really the kind sitting with a healer and go through issues but the kind Buddhists do, go within, seeking what I might have not got yet, what I need to learn, what to let go, forgive self and other selves. I am connecting to those who assist me to get to the next step. The journey is on, brother. Not complaining any longer. Trying to make peace with the fact that our time together was just finished. And now I would find a new way forward.
I felt that the roughest time of your life was due to me and you would say that it was your journey and you had to go through it. Many give up on themselves (Baba and I discussed it and we were grateful that you didn’t go that path of self-destruction.) You used that same rough time to seek within. I was always amazed at your simplicity, kindness and wisdom. On your bicycle, on the way back home, an old woman stopped you and asked you for a ride to her home. You went out of your way to help her which meant additional bunch of kilometers of cycling and an hour to get home. During your 12th exam you told me you were studying only that you were thinking would have questions in the exam based on your studies of exam papers from previous years. It was amazing. In the world where people grasp on as much wealth as they can and that desire keeps growing milestones after milestones, some thousands were lots of money to you. Your tremendous love for your sisters and parents. We talked about how all went well for our sisters after all that they went though. You shared special bonds with all your sisters. And young ones, you were their favorite. You were Shrawan to our parents.
You happily shared your smile, money, space, and knowing with whoever came your way. And deep down you carried sadness. We wondered possible reasons. We don’t ever know the complete truth when incarnated. You know now. It went with you. Hope you feel bliss wherever you are my little brother and huge supporter. I would not have been who I am today without you. I greatly miss our hours and hours of chats. I miss laughing with you. I miss crying with you.
I miss you.
Rajesh Chinchkhede (Jan 1975 - Apr 2021)